Why start a blog? Mostly I've done so today because it is threatening to rain and I have a sore throat and am unable to get out to the White Mountains on any adventures. Also, I went to my local Farmer's Market today like any other well-brought up Gen-X socio-environmentalist. I love a fresh tomato as much as the next kid, but as another friend wrote me: "Yesterday I ranted about the abundance of blogs, Facebook posts, etc. that constantly, and in the most unoriginal ways, celebrate the sensual abundance of any given farmer's market. We all know quite well just how fucking amazing farmer's markets are, and all about the bounty of beautiful vegetables that delight the senses, and there is so little that can be done on this topic without making us all puke. It is my opinion that people should only be blogging about farmer's markets if they either work at one, supply produce to one, or have something fucking original to say. Otherwise, eat your goddamn kohlrabi with your goddamn perfect boyfriend and shut the hell up about it."
Well said, I think. On that note, I decided to find a wider forum for the scavenger hunt I created while living in Missoula, Montana. I believe that it should work just as well for similar communities of my own demographic.
Enjoy!
Love,
Granite Bunny
We all know that we’re supposed to be “Keeping Missoula
Weird,” and yet there is a certain homogeneity that would lead the
passerby/non-Missoulian to believe that we are all part of some dang
Chaco-wearing, happy-baby-producing, local-organic-eating, bike-loving cult.
Let’s rally and prove our differences and keep Missoula at least as weird as
the other cities[2] with those stickers!
If you spot any of the following, go ahead and give
yourself the prescribed number of points:
A pregnant woman who looks not radiant, but appropriately
uncomfortable given that her insides are being squashed by a giant sea-monkey,
she’s been off-kilter for the last nine months, and has to pee every four and a
half minutes.
(10 pts/per)________
A happy couple wherein one half looks like an icy-hearted
hipster and the other is a Pachemama loving hippy. (Traditionally, these groups
hate each other like Sharks and Jets—co-mingling may end badly.) Watch for
tight punk band t-shirts, spiked hair and impossibly skinny jeans holding hands
with flowing skirts, dreadlocks and Mother Earth-type tattoos. Be alert for
verbal references to bands neither you nor anyone else has ever heard of,
commingling in conversation between comments on musical acts such as “The
Dead,” (who maybe ought to rest in peace, rather than be forced to perform in
their dotage.)
(15 pts/per couple)________
A person wearing a three-piece/pinstripe suit NOT
ironically.
(8 pts/per)________
A longboard being used as a toy, not masquerading as a
legitimate form of transportation.
(5 pts/per)________
A child eating a Wonderbread sandwich with Kraft Singles
and Oscar Meyer Baloney.
(5 pts/per)________
Music being produced by a bona fide instrument, rather
than via a creative rummage through the recycling bins of a hardware store.
(3 pts/per)________
A geeky teenager who looks age-appropriately
UNCOMFORTABLE with their oddities/inability to blend in[3]. (You know, the weasley looking
ones with magic cards, acne, greasy hair, and miserable expressions as they are
tortured by being dragged into the sunlight by their families.)
(2 pts/per)________
A devastatingly attractive single man who doesn’t have a
parole monitor ankle bracelet, and has a designed and implemented a citywide
glass-recycling program[4].
(Points?!?
Hell, just get a phone number._(___)___-____)
For this next section, be particularly alert, as each
day in Missoula inures your senses towards the sheer absurdity to many of these
sights, smells, and sounds. Remember, the price of freedom is eternal
vigilance; and it is our mandate as Missoulians to be as non-conformist as
possible.
Subtract the appropriate number of points for each of
the following:
A person walking barefoot down the street.
(-2
pts/per)________
Anyone
over the age of 3 wearing ANYTHING resembling a tutu.
(-3 pts/per)________
Smugly glowing pregnant women who look more beautiful
swollen up with twenty pounds of baby and amniotic fluid than the rest of us
have ever/will ever look.
(-10 pts/per)________
(Subtract an additional 5 if you can see her
baby-popped belly button.)
Overheard conversations about:
The Good Food Store—a thorny subject, but the “counter” cultural
reliance on and inability to consume food from anywhere other than an elitistly
monikered food emporium is clearly worrisome. (E.g. “I only shop at the Good Food Store,”
“Seattle is great, but they just have Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s[5];
there’s no GFS…”)
Grains—especially those that no one outside of Missoula (other
than the ancient Egyptians[6]) have ever heard of, let alone
consumed. (E.g. “Because of Sierra’s[7]
allergies, we’re only eating kequinophoeiarmut these days. I’m trying to get
her school to ban wheat products.”)
Pregnancy—(E.g. “You just have to read this book about three weeks
before you are due, it just gets you so PUMPED to give birth…”[8])
Wildland Fire Fighting—we get it; YOU’RE AWESOME. Shut
up.
(-1 pt/per)________
Subaru Station wagons (includes Foresters) and Toyota
Prii, Tacomas, and RAV 4s.
(-1 pt/per)_______
Cynical grad students who have nothing better to do with
their summers than mock municipal happiness[9].
(-5
pts/per)________
TOTAL
POINTS ________
[1] Can also be used at any and all
of the variously disguised “Celebrate Missoula” festivals and Farmers’ Markets.
[2] Austin, TX; Eugene and Portland,
OR; or Burlington, VT.
[3] Puberty is god-awful. The number
of well-adjusted, confident teens in Missoula throws this universal truth into
question and should not be tolerated. They are missing out on their prime
suffering years.
[4] No glass recycling in Missoula.
[5] Not available in Missoula
[6] And look what happened to them.
[7] Children named for other types of
flora and fauna, grains, seasons and/or Wilderness areas are equally suspect.
[8] Conversation overheard at The
Break, March 14, 2009
[9] But, are they really happy? Or are they just clones
of beautiful, fit people with a yen for social and environmental justice and
civic and community engagement? Watch The Stepford Wives and add quinoa and kale.
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